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Sunday, November 3, 2019

Dona Nobis Pacem ~ Bathing In Persimmon Trees

Welcome to the 14th launch of BlogBlast For Peace aka Dona nobis pacem in the Blogosphere. 
Our theme this year is Change Your Climate. Many are choosing to write about global climate change. Others are choosing to write about the need to change their own personal climates in order to create peaceful spaces for themselves ( ie: eliminating stress, self-care). I have chosen the latter.  
Please sign the Mr. Linky at the end of this post so that others may visit you and see the beautiful peace globes throughout the Blogosphere. Remember to tag me on Facebook  or wherever you are on social media. Thank you for being a part of this community of peace bloggers. Your words are powerful and important to all of us. May we lift and encourage in our quest for a peaceful more sustainable planet earth.  Grant us peace!  

Bathing In Persimmon Trees

As she got older and more introspective, my mother would spontaneously start talking about random things from her faraway childhood. On this day, she began to weave invisible spinning yarn in the air in front of her. "There are these threads....you see....threads...." as her hands moved in and around them,  making sense of mysteries in her mind,  weaving and talking as she spun, connecting branch to branch to branch. Except she wasn't really sitting there with me. She was somewhere back in time playing dodgeball with the curse.

 "I can see them going back generations."
"What kind of threads?" I asked. 
"Poverty. Brokenness. Abuse. Depression. Alcoholism. Divorce. Conflict. Addiction. 
Bad threads....don't you see them, Mimi?"
Yes, mama, I've always seen them.

Like shadows on trees in a cemetery, cast long from eons of time and generation, I had always seen them. 

If you want to go mad, 
cover them up.

If you want to break the curse,
stand in the Light.

Generational threads can tie together what desperately needs to be broken. They are inherently binding and strong.
Made of flax. Faith. Fiber. Custom. Tradition. Tribe. Toxicity. Untruth.
Even and especially love.

Whether they remain tied and woven into the next generation depends not on the strength of the cotton, but on the spinning of the pattern. Twisted legacies take whole life spans to unspin. It requires laser-sharp discernment and a willingness to plant a new field. To begin a better story. Harvesting new tribes is not for the faint-of-heart. My mother was anything but faint.


And that's when I began to remember...
warm water washing down my back.
I felt the heaviness of long tangled hair.
Soap.
And her hands in my hair.

Scrubbing and soothing at the same time.  Bare feet on a dark linoleum speckled floor, bent over the kitchen sink in the middle of a fifties wood frame in the heat of summer and the only running water in the house.  Daddy hadn't finished the bathroom yet.
My mother stood untangling the mane that was always tangled and drying me off with a ragged towel. 

And then I started to cry 

Uncontrollably. Sobs from an eight-year-old that should never be heard by a mother. 
She knew. I could see it in her eyes. She knew. From the covering of shame I felt underneath the thinness of fabric that could not cover could not cover could not cover the confusion and tremble of a skinny little girl who had just been reminded of more than innocent suds running down the back of a dark-haired freckle-faced me with grownup questions swirling in her mangled head.
She looked straight into the dripping freckles and raised her eyes to meet mine.

It was my mother's greatest gift to me. 

Unwavering trust. Unquestioning acceptance. She believed what I was about to tell her before I said it. I can still taste the shampoo on my lips and see the horror in her eyes, the quiver in my voice. I remember the way my eyes wanted to only stare at the linoleum while she gathered herself.  Standing there dripping in a torn towel while she called someone to tell them what she'd seen in her daughter's eyes.
I never had to see him again.
She saw to it.

She sacrificed family and relationships to protect me. 
Had she chosen to look the other way, I am sure without a shadow of an oak tree doubt,  I would have crumpled into a broken twig on the sudsy floor and never recovered.
Instead, it was the moment that defined me. 

In the deepest part of me that day, she taught me to trust the sacred places that no one should touch.  I owned every nook and crevice again before she even finished with the tender drying
 because my mother believed me 
she gave me permission to trust myself
She had no idea that she'd just given me my voice.


Of all the trials that came later - our arguments, her quirky temper, my stubbornness - our differences growing wider in the middle of our lives, then circling back to unconditional love, as happens with mothers and daughters  - I'm not sure she ever fully recovered from the sadness of that moment. 

Threads
You see them, don't you Mimi?


I wanted so much to know her and understand her better and all that mysterious weaving in the spirit. Those strands had names. They had stories. But there wasn't time and she was gone.  What made her so unbreakable? What stopped her from untying the last piece of tangled life and freeing herself? What kind of woman knows by instinct and love how to run straight into battle for her daughter?  That's the indestructible mother I longed to fully know.

When I felt she had no faith in my endeavors or no understanding of my independence, in hindsight, now, I wonder if the moment under the towel defined the way she would forever try to keep me from straying too far into unfamiliar territory. As I spread my wings to fly away, perhaps her holding on was the only way of protecting me.  Perspective.

I went through some things this year that broke my heart. Multitudes of unkindness and wholly undignified days. But the more vile they became, the more grace I received. 

 My body is recalibrating. Balancing. Resetting. Changing my climate, my environment, is not just necessary for peace of mind, it's mandatory for my survival. 
I am ready to put this decade behind me but not without the wisdom it contains.

Standing under the canopy of trees gives me courage and strengthens my vulnerability - that delicate balance between authenticity and prudence.   It resembles the act of protection and trust. Intimacy and connection.  You might not have a lifetime or even a decent swath of moments like these with the people you love. 
But it only takes one.  
Divine grace echoes on the walls of my heart. 
My mother's grace reverberates decades later.

And she is the reason that I can stand uncovered in a field of persimmon trees
without fear 
without shame
without scars


I finally learned to accept all our twisted roads and fallen places.  How she tried to exhume the genesis of those invisible threads in her hands, never quite finding where the first broken piece began and the last continued.  
 You see them, don't you Mimi?

She died before she could unravel all the threads
But she deposited in me just enough spitfire to keep my end of the peace treaty intact:
To leave the untelling on the kitchen floor 
To live without hiding behind trees 

To forgive those who want to see me broken
To be open and brave when your words need wording
and to be loud in the most vulnerable of places

and that's why I need trees
Had you told me a year ago that people can feel energy from trees, I would have silently patted you on the head and sent you on your way. And yet, since her death six months ago, I find myself running to the forest on my mountain, sitting for hours in the sanctuary of their branches. Breathing in oxygen. Absorbing life into the cells of my stress-laden body.
 Finding the Mother trees. They shelter the young saplings and strategically branch out in directions that give them the most nourishment from the sun.
Did you know there are mother trees?

We are made stronger when we understand where we came from
when we uncover what is hurting us
We discover which branches are strong and which need pruning.
I am learning to be thankful for the miles of memories that created me
all of them

Safety sometimes lies in being unseen
but never in being unheard.




Please sign the Mr. Linky below
Photo credit: Mimi Lenox


Blog 4 Peace 2019 Participants
1. Sherry Blue Sky
2. Claudia Hall Christian
3. Cate Reddell
4. Mimi Lenox
5. Jamie White
6. Yamini MacLean
7. The Spoon Mage
8. Waiting For The Muse ~ Ann Tracy
9. Moments of Introspection
10. Athena Cat Goddess
11. The Gal Herself
12. The White Dog Diaries
13. Dawn
14. Wanda Dawn Gilbert
15. Scrappin With Life
16. Callie
17. Tinkerbell in the Netherlands
18. Animal Shelter Volunteer Life
19. Bonnie @ Bonnie's Books
20. Zoolatry
21. Mickeys Musings-Dona Nobis Pacem
22. Laurie @ Meditations in Motion
23. Linda Lee Lyberg
24. The Spoon Mage
25. Bertram's Blog
26. Stunning Keisha
27. Mama Pajama
28. Susie Clevenger
29. Speedyrabbit
30. Mike ZGolch
31. Mike Golch
32. Friends FurEver
33. 15 and Meowing
34. Louie's Chaos
35. Eileen Trainor
36. CyberCelt
37. The Island Cats
38. Canadian Cats
39. Sandra Hammel
40. Brian's Home Blog
41. Gemma Wiseman - Mornington Peninsula Daily
42. Sicily Scene A Welshwoman in Sicily
43. Sandra Hammel
44. Friends FurEver - BlogBlast4Peace
45. Sparkle Cat
46. Lone Star Cats
47. Waiting For The Muse ~ Ann Tracy
48. Kinley Westie
49. Kathy Duffy Thomas
50. The Matriarch's Corner
51. Karen Nichols
52. Mickey's Musings
53. Loristory
54. Charmed Chaos
55. Diane Hasz Blog4Peace DJ
56. Raven Wolf
57. Two Spoiled Cats
58. The Psychokitty Speaks Out
59. Just Ducky
60. The Cat on My Head
61. Forty Paws
62. Blog 4 Peace The Official Gallery
63. Little Binky and Granny
64. Marcia McLees Bogaert
65. Binding Ink ~ Michelle Culp
66. Clawdia @ Bonnie's Books
67. Kim Marie Moon
68. Thumper Thinks Out Loud
69. Diane Hasz
70. David Timothy Holdsworth
71. Deb Reslake
72. Amarillis Kroon
73. Diane Hasz
74. Ken Smith
75. The Cat Blogosphere
76. Catscue
77. Mark's Mews
78. Driller's Place
79. Spike William Pratt A Cheshire Cat
80. Julia Phillips Smith
81. Correna Grogan
82. Speedy The Cheeky House Bunny
83. Bluezy
84. Jessica Obsenschain
85. Sue Earle Glashofer
86. Sanni Jansen
87. Bud

6 comments:

meowmeowmans said...

Wow. Just wow, Mimi. Thank you for this beautiful and powerful post. I was especially moved by your line about learning to be thankful for ALL of the memories that create you. Bless you, and peace be with you today, and always.

Athena Cat Goddess Wise Kitty said...

This is just so beautiful and very moving!

Purrs and peace xx

Athena and Marie

Mama Pajama said...

thank you so much for this, Mimi - some tears, but mostly love. SO much love for that little girl, and that strong Mama, who had wisdom enough to see those threads, and weave them. my own mother turned away, refused to see, still holds fast to her own innocence, but...ah, well. I'm grown, now, and learning to mother myself as I've mothered my own child. mostly, we all just need to listen. <3

Mimi Lenox said...

Meowmeowmans,

Thank you for reading and peace be with you as well.

Mimi Lenox said...

Athena - I am wishing you peace today. Thank you for reading my words.

Mimi Lenox said...

Mama Pajama - Thank you for the love. It took her many years to want to be able to open up about those threads. I wish she'd found more healing for herself...

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Special Launch Event Thursday, July 12, 2012

We launched the 2012 BlogBlast4Peace season with a trip to the shore (real and virtual). I am already on the Atlantic. If you were here with us July 12 at sunset, even in spirit, then you were a part of the 2012 launch for BlogBlast4Peace. I can think of no better way to announce our November 4th campaign than a designated time for all to bring the same thoughts and vibes to the table....er...ocean. Then it won't be just me making an announcement. It will be all of us. I like it!
Facebook Event page is here. It was a great success. Thank you. Let the peace begin.

Blog Talk Radio Interviews with Mimi

The Doctor Anonymous Show ~November 6, 2008
November 4, 2008
Election Night on The Doctor Blogstein Radio Happy Hour
The Mo Show
November 7, 2007
The Doctor Anonymous Show ~ October 25, 2007
BlogTalkRadio.com
Click to hear the interview below

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